Thursday, January 23, 2014

{The Lies I've Believed}

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I didn't expect it. It shocked me. I definitely thought I would remember the lessons I learned and that they would last a lot longer then they did. 

Over the last 5 months of living in the United States, I've been believing a lie. Like most lies we believe, it's affected my relationship with the Lord, with my husband, with my joy, with my contentment, it affects most aspects of my life.

I've believed the lie that I'm in CONTROL. 

I'm so ashamed to even admit it. For 2 + years, I lived in a country where everything was out of my control: food, water, power, safety, finances, independence, relationships, etc. everything. You would think that living like that for over 2 years, I would remember what that was like and that I would have learned the lesson. But, here I sit having to admit, that I have fallen to the lies. I've believed that I'm in control. 

I've believed that I can control our finances, that I don't need to pray before entering a car (after all there are rules here and accidents never happen), that I'm safe from bad things happening, that relationships just fall into place and there is no brokenness in them....basically I've believed that life is perfect here and I've lost my dependency on Christ, because I've believed I can do it all. And then it happened. 

It happened two weeks ago, I got that deep feeling of hunger and thirst and God slapped me in the face. I was wondering why I felt so much discontentment, why "it" was never enough (it - means a lot of things). 

And then he told me. I've stopped seeking him. 

When I stopped seeking him everyday, our relationship had grown distant...and all that "control" wasn't enough. 
I've had to make some changes.

I've committed to getting up early in the morning and spending my first moments with him. I've committed to laying everything at his feet each day. Through the process, difficult things have come, but I have peace, knowing He is the one that sustains. He is my rock.  
He is in control and I'm not. 

Psalm 62: 5-8
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests mysalvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God. 
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God isa refuge for us.


Renee said...

I so needed to hear that. you are not alone my dear friend! i absolutely love your heart and am encouraged by you ALL THE TIME. I love you so much.

Jenny Fish said...

This is SUCH a hard lesson for me, too, one I have to learn over and over again. Thank goodness we serve a forgiving and gracious God!