Do you ever have one of those moments where your sitting in the car alone (if your a mom this is probably rare) have no idea of your surroundings, you are just worshiping (as I type this, I'm thinking this is a little scary, but God was protecting me)! It happened to me on Sunday. I had just gotten done listening to a sermon podcast, so I turned on some music and I was in total worship. Ironically, "Cornersone" was playing and God spoke to me.
God has used this song to speak to us during some major trials in the last 3 years and it's also Lia's favorite song. I know that is crazy to say, but it was the only way I could get her to sleep for a period of time and the minute I would play it she would calm down and sleep, and now she starts singing and lifts her hands (she worships).
Anyways, this isn't profound, but, I needed to hear it. He said, "Ashlee, right now things are going good and you are seeing my blessings, guess what, I'm still your Anchor, I'm still the one holding you together."
He isn't just my anchor when things are rough or difficult, but he is our anchor when things are good to. It's easy for me to say and plead for Him when things are difficult, but I needed that reminder to plead for Him when things are good.
I was raised to be independent. For that I am grateful. It's what got me through college and through my 20's. I was taught that I can't isn't a word, it's not in our vocabulary. As an educator, I wish more students were being taught that same thing. There is nothing I dislike more, than when a mom calls to tell me her child needs help and then hands the phone to the student, or when a parent tells me, "they can't do that, they'll never be able to do that..." People will only go as far as they think you believe they can go. I fully believe we need to set high expectations.
All of that to say, being strong and independent isn't a bad thing.But, sometimes I get caught in my "I can do it all" mentality. When we first got married, Claudy would get so made at me, because I wouldn't let him help me. I've had to learn that letting people help you, doesn't make you weak or dependent, but actually there is freedom and joy in it.
This week, I was sitting on the couch, and I heard the voice in my head saying..."Why can't you keep Lia home, you should be able to work and be a stay at home mom. You should be cooking every meal and cleaning the house, Claudy shouldn't help with that."
They just kept coming one by one.
I had to tell myself to stop. It isn't true. Community and allowing others to help you is a good thing. There is freedom. We were designed for community.
I recently purchased the devotional "Jesus, I Need You" by Zondervan
They are quick 2-3 minute devotionals. Today's topic was "Giving It All Away".
They write: "Jesus, I have a confession to make. I feel afraid to entrust everything to You. I know that You love me and want only the best for me. Still, it's so hard to give up total control of every aspect of my life....Help me give You my everything."
The truth....
I've learned this lesson over and over again....
I'm a control freak...
In my heart and mind, I know I don't control everything, but in my heart, I want to.
The truth is...my desire to control really comes out of a spirit of unhealthy fear. Fear that life isn't going to go as planned, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.
I need to work on giving up control in my marriage, parenting, my future, my walk with God, my work, and my relationships.
The truth is...control sucks the life out of me. It takes up so much energy, trying to be perfect and trying to hold on to everything.
The truth is...I'm really saying and portraying that I don't trust God, I don't trust my husband, I don't trust my friends and family...
The truth is...I've sinned against all of these people. This is not my desire....
The truth is...I do trust God I do trust my husband
Lia -
On Sunday, we dedicated you in front of our church, family and friends; to the Lord. We feel so honored that God chose us to be your parents. You are a gift.
We are asking them to pray with us, these specific things for your life.
* for your salvation
* for conviction of sin
* for a humble and submissive spirit
* a desire for God's word
* protection from evil
* free from the need of others approval
* security in your worth in Christ
* strong work ethic
* a heart that desires to extend her hand to those in need
* a joyful heart
* wisdom and wise choices
* godly friendships
* future spouse
* for obedience
* sexual purity
* contentment
You are a precious gift to us. We give you back to the Lord. You are His. Our biggest desire is that you know Him and follow Him!
About 10 years ago, I remember sitting in a living room, with a small group of young adult leaders. We were asked about what we thought or hoped our futures would be like. I remember responding, "I do not know what it looks like, I just have a feeling it is going to be bigger and more than I could ever even imagine for myself."
Last week, I was talking with a college friend and she asked me if I ever imagined that this would be my life. It was an AHA moment for me. I was reminded of the event 10 years earlier and how those words really were true.
God has done more than I could ever imagine.
I'm so thankful that my parents taught me to be a dream. I'm thankful that they modeled obedience to God, that they taught me what it meant to be obedient to God, and that they gave their blessing for me me to follow God, no matter where it would take me.
Never in my wildest dream would I have thought I would move on my own to
a new state, where I knew no one. I never thought I would then find a
job that allowed me to travel back and forth to Haiti. I never would
have thought that I would quit my job, raise support, and then live in
Haiti. It all has been IMMEASURABLY MORE than I could ever have imagined.
Since moving back from Haiti, we have frequently been asked the question, "What's Next?" or "What is your plan?" I usually reply with an answer about how I am teaching, Claudy is in school and someday we hope to live in Haiti again...
...but the real answer
...I don't know, I just know, that if we allow God to move and if we are obedient, it's going to be IMMEASURABLE MORE than we can imagine.
It's crazy to think we have been back living in the States for over a year and half now. So much in our lives has changed during that time. In many ways we have grown, but I still feel a struggle.
Some of my struggle has to do with being a new mom and all of a sudden not having time to be in the word, like my heart craves. I read a great blog about quiet times last week and it spoke to my soul. I suggest any new moms or moms of little ones reads it. I'm working on what it means to have time with the Lord, even when I don't have the time I desire.
One of my greatest struggles, is service. My heart is to serve others. So ofter in the word, we read about servanthood and doing for others. Our families desire is to be in Haiti. But the timing is not now. I know that, but it doesn't help my soul. I've struggled with connecting here in the US. Busyness has gotten control of me and to be honest, I've struggled figuring where I fit in. It's hard to turn off part of your heart. I know I need to live fully in this moment, where we are now and not wish it away. When we do finally move to Haiti, I'll be wishing I had moments back in the the states. I've struggled that I'm not serving.
I was reading the Lent Devotional on She Reads Truth this morning. The scripture that was used was from Psalm 51. Verse 17 spoke to me.
What he spoke to me, in this moment...I want you. I want your broken and contrite heart. That is the sacrifice (Ignore my spelling error above) I want. Today, my sacrifice isn't living in a different country, it's surrendering my broken heart to Him. Sometimes I focus too much on the service not the the person I am serving.
Today, I'm surrendering. Surrendering my heart, surrendering my desires. I'm living fully here, in my brokenness.
I get asked often what I miss most about Haiti. The number one answer, is the people, our friends. Part of what makes that question so easy to answer and why the people, is the way of living in Haiti. Even though we were busy and there was always a lot to do, it felt that often time stood still...Our evenings weren't spent running from one activity to the next, but they were spent in the community playing soccer, walking, or hanging out on the porch with our friends. Haiti is very community based and you are always free to visit a neighbor, stop by, sit on their porch, talk, and visit. I miss people stopping by our house, I miss the neighborhood boys that would come and play, I miss all of those things. I miss time....
It's no question, getting time in the word was more difficult when we moved home from Haiti, but it has been extremely more difficult since having Lia. I've been told that I'm being to hard on myself. While that may be true, my soul craves that time that I've lost. My soul misses the oneness with my Savior. I know that at this point in time, I'm probably not going to be able to get in hour in during the mornings (until Lia starts sleeping through the night), but I know that some changes can be made.
* Take the first 15-20 min of morning nap time (I very rarely have appointments scheduled at this time)
* Listen to Christian music while working, instead of having the TV on.
* In the evenings about 30 min before we go to bed, I love to lay in bed and watch Netflix, I've been feeling a very strong conviction that this time could be better used, so I'm now watching a sermon, or a part of a sermon each night before bed.
Yes, time is hard to come by, by my priorities needed adjusted!
I'd love to hear what you other moms with littles do to get time in the word in....
Genesis 29 is the story of two woman who share one man (the man was tricked y'all, but that's not the point of this story)...It's the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel (definitely not why our daughter's name is Lia). You can read the story, but it portrays the story of these two women...one that is never enough (Leah) and one that is too much (Rachel).
I can relate to Leah. I've struggled with Leahism most of my adult life. It's not because I wasn't told how valuable I am or how loved I am or that I didn't know that God created me in His image. I know these truths and I believe them. But, my Leahism is rooted, in my desire to please people. It leaves me feeling that no matter what I do, I'm never enough.
I didn't realize how much this would play into my role as a mom. You see I'm a SAHWM (Stay At Home Working Mom) at the end of most days, I never feel that I've lived up to either one of those roles. I feel that no matter what I did, it was never enough. Either I feel like I let my daughter down, because she's been in a bumbo, bouncy chair, jumper or laying on the floor all day and I haven't hardly played with her or I feel like I hardly accomplished anything at work.
I need grace.
Not from other people, but from myself.
I need to allow myself to work, and be a mom and to realize that I'm good at my job and I'm a good mom and my daughter is well taken care of and is happy. I need to make a conscientious decision each day to give myself grace and to tell myself...
I had every intention of following Blog-tember this month...and then life happened.
I don't know what I was thinking...blogging everyday, working, hubby in school, newborn...haha I had high expectations for myself.
This season of life has been different than any other. I now have a new role...Mommy
While, I love change and I adore and love my daughter, it is a role that has been the hardest one I've experienced. It's hard adjusting to the fact that 24 hours a day some one is dependent on me. I've always prided myself to be an independent woman. It's how I was raised. Then I got married and I had to learn to be co-dependent. Now, being a mommy, I have someone that needs me all day...
...it's exhausting
...it's challenging
....it's scary
...it's hard
....it's amazing
....it's wonderfully difficult
There are days when I just want to be alone. I want to not have to think about all of the possibilities, the needs, the responsibilies...but at the same time, when I have a rare moment alone, those are all I think about.
I've never thought of myself to be fearful, but so much of her life is out of my control and it scares me. There are so many decisions that I have to make for her and a lot of them are in the gray area. Do we have the room at the right temperature, can we sleep her on her stomach, do we let her cry for a while in her bed, how long is too long, the questions go on and on...
I was reflecting this morning during my quiet time (with little one on my lap) on Psalms 62, verses 6-8.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
It's a piece of scripture that has gotten me through many trials (it's why it's tattooed on my foot). He is my REFUGE...He is my ROCK...I can not be shaken.
I have so many hopes and dreams for Lia. So many of them are out of my control. Each day I have to lay her down just like I lay down myself at the feet of Jesus.
This song has been very comforting to me this week. Let Jesus be your CORNERSTONE - your foundation.
Cornerstone - a stone that forms the base of a corner of a building, joining two walls.
From Wikipedia - Thecornerstone(orfoundation stone) concept is derived from the first stone set in the construction of a masonryfoundation, important since all other stones will be set in reference to this stone, thus determining the position of the entirestructure.
1 Peter 2: 6-8 says
it stands in Scripture:
“Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone,
a cornerstone chosen and precious,
and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”
So the honor is for you whobelieve, but for those whodo not believe,
“The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone,”
and
“A stone of stumbling, and a rock of offense.”
Living in Haiti and the destruction of an earthquake, I saw the importance of a strong cornerstone. Without it the structure doesn't stand. When the earth shakes, the building falls.
Recently, Claudy and I's life was shaken.
In the middle of the storm, I wasn't sure if I would be able to stand, if at the end of the storm our life would ever be the same again. It's during these times we see who our cornerstone is. Is it Christ, is it our spouse, is it ourselves, is it a thing, or is it another person?
Jesus...needs to be our Cornerstone. Without him as our cornerstone, our lives crumble.
There were moments during the storm, I thought about every possible bad outcome. I wondered how I would make it. I wondered why this was happening to us. There were moments where I couldn't eat, sleep, or work, all I could do was think about the storm. When I final focused on my Cornerstone, Jesus, I was able to come up for air. I could breath again. I still wasn't sure of the outcome, but I knew Jesus would be glorified and that was all that mattered. I knew there was a purpose.
The storm is over now. While our life looks the same on the outside, I hope that we are forever changed by the storm. I hope we don't go back.
I didn't expect it. It shocked me. I
definitely thought I would remember the lessons I learned and that they
would last a lot longer then they did.
Over
the last 5 months of living in the United States, I've been believing a
lie. Like most lies we believe, it's affected my relationship with the
Lord, with my husband, with my joy, with my contentment, it affects most
aspects of my life.
I've believed the lie that I'm in CONTROL.
I'm
so ashamed to even admit it. For 2 + years, I lived in a country where
everything was out of my control: food, water, power, safety, finances,
independence, relationships, etc. everything. You would think that
living like that for over 2 years, I would remember what that was like
and that I would have learned the lesson. But, here I sit having to
admit, that I have fallen to the lies. I've believed that I'm in
control.
I've
believed that I can control our finances, that I don't need to pray
before entering a car (after all there are rules here and accidents never happen),
that I'm safe from bad things happening, that relationships just fall
into place and there is no brokenness in them....basically I've believed
that life is perfect here and I've lost my dependency on Christ,
because I've believed I can do it all. And then it happened.
It
happened two weeks ago, I got that deep feeling of hunger and thirst
and God slapped me in the face. I was wondering why I felt so much
discontentment, why "it" was never enough (it - means a lot of things).
And then he told me. I've stopped seeking him.
When
I stopped seeking him everyday, our relationship had grown
distant...and all that "control" wasn't enough.
I've had to make some
changes.
I've committed to getting up early in the morning and spending
my first moments with him. I've committed to laying everything at his
feet each day. Through the process, difficult things have come, but I
have peace, knowing He is the one that sustains. He is my rock. He is in control and I'm not.
I was with my parents, one of their friends and my best friend. We went on a trip to Haiti, because God was working in my heart and I was struggling with the Bible's words that we must be different, that our lives should reflect Him. He cared about the least of these. So we went to the least of these.
We went to an orphanage in Cabaret, Haiti. There were about 50 kids, most young...but a group of "older" girls. I decided to spend some time with them. They looked at me different, kind of surprised that I would sit with them. I didn't know their language and they didn't know mine...but we connected. They started doing my hair...it hurt so bad and I remember praying I wouldn't get scabies, but I knew I needed to stay there.
During the 2 hours I spent with them, God was speaking to me. I felt my heart stirring. Why was I different? What would I be like if this was the life I was born into? What should I do with what God has given me?
From that moment on, everything changed.
It changed the way I thought...
It changed the way I interacted with people...
It changed my relationships...
It changed my relationship with Christ....
It lead to a job change, which eventually lead to me moving to Haiti....
It lead to me meeting and falling in love my husband....
This blog is part of a series with Jenni at Story of My Life
Some or most of you may know that I was raised on a farm, so when the Bible talks about Sowing, Reaping, Harvesting...I immediately connect to what it is saying.
As our time here in Haiti quickly comes to a close, I have been doing a lot of reflecting of my time here. Some forced and some on my own.
It's hard to measure things here or anywhere on the field I suppose, but I was trying to measure my "successes" on the field. I was greatly humbled and disheartened, when I couldn't list one persons I had lead to Christ. (It even pains me to write it here). I was so discouraged and beginning to question what the last two years were about.
I was lead to the passage of John 4...in verse 37 it says, "for here the saying holds true, "One sows and another reaps."
I'm humbled...I was trying to make so much of this about me, when in reality, none of it is about me. None of it. I was obedient to my calling. From there it's God choice on how to use me. I've done nothing that I thought I would do here, but it's not my plan, it's His.
I'm humbled and amazed that He called me and picked me. I'm humbled to call myself a "Sower." I may never (on this earth) know the impact of God's work here in Haiti the last 2 years, but that is ok...because it's not about me, it's about Him. It's about His Harvest, on His timing.
My mind and soul hurt for you as I witnessed you do something that you didn't even realize. Your society has perverted your mind...you know how to move your body, how to dance in ways to draw attention. Only, at this age, you don't yet realize the attention that you will receive.
You see, little one, I watched you today...
I watched 3 men over the age of 20 watch your body move. It wasn't your intention to make them lust..but it did. They watched and cheered as your body shaked..
I wanted to stop you, little one...
Today, little one, I wish I could tell you...
* Your beautiful the way God created you to be....
* You don't need the attention from others to be satisfied. Jesus is the only one that will satisfy you.
* You don't need to advertise yourself to be loved. You are loved...you are loved by your creator and you are loved by me.
* The yearning in your heart for someone...that comes from the Lord...seek him, not others.
Little One, I pray for you...
* I pray you will know and understand the love of your Savior and Redeemer.
* I pray your needs will be meet, so you don't sell your body to support yourself.
* I pray you will save yourself.
* I pray that you grow to be a warrior for Christ...
We were discussing this saying at Bible Study last night, you've probably heard it beofre...
"God won't give you more than you can handle"
I totally disagree with it. I think at times God does give you more than you can handle. I think it's because He wants you to draw closer to Him
He wants you to let go and let Him.
In Exodus 14, Moses tells the Israelites, that they only need to be silent, the Lord will fight for them.
I've seen this play out in my life in so many mays, but especially in the last 2 years.
I arrived in Haiti almost 2 years ago, single, alone and ready to transform education in Haiti. Two months in, the two staff members on ground left and I was left alone....I had people to guide me and help me make some decisions, who were stateside, but for the most part it was me...let me tell you,
It was WAY more than I could handle.
I couldn't change the circumstances, and I didn't want to throw in the towel...so I had to let God...I wasn't capable. It still was hard, and there were many days I wanted to leave and run from God's calling, but there have been so many blessings in the process of letting go.
So when God gives you more than you can handle...Let go and Let Him!!!
On the mission field, we are forced to make many decisions that are not easy. That is the reason we have values...we have guidelines we follow, so we can make a decision based on who we are.
What I am struggling with most, is how to make those decisions when you no longer care about the value, because your heart is hurting so much for those people.
How do you make those decisions when your compassion collides with those values.
How do you say no to giving people food, when they are hungry?
How do you not help people that are sick?
How do you not help people finish school?
The thing is, I know we have values for a reason....I know that if I feed someone today, they will be hungry tomorrow. Giving them food, is just a temporary fix. There are deeper issues...but aren't we suppose to feed the hungry? What about when people are sick, is it fine then to help even though it doesn't align with our values?
I know there are no simple answers and the truth is there isn't a right answer, each situation may be different..but it's a struggle when there are so many needs everywhere!
Today's prompting on Blog Everyday in May was to write about something difficult about your 'lot' in life.
I have been thinking about this for almost a week now. I can't think of one. Something's in the last two years have been difficult...being married and living with an average of 10 people each week
..or trying to handle the visa process for my husband
...or living in a third world country
but, I don't consider these things bad or my lot in life. It is what God chose for me. It was my purpose, what I was created for. Even though some of these things have been difficult, God, is a great Sustainer, a great Provider and My Solid Rock. He has gotten me through and received the glory!
He CHOSE me! He chose me to do these things and for that I am honored.
Ephesians 1:4 says,
"even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him."
While I face trials and difficulties in life, I try to remember that He chose me!! What an honor to carry out His gospel, no matter what form it comes in!
I was filled with hope, excitement, encouragement, strength...I was waiting for something to happen.
About two years ago, I was one month away from moving to Haiti. I just couldn't wait to get here. I couldn't wait to experience Christ, to be his hands and feet, and to serve him differently than I had ever before.
About two years ago...I was dreaming, about how great life would be in Haiti. The lost soles I would save. The relationships I would make. Intimacy with the Lord. I envisioned that my two years in Haiti would be me on cloud 9 the entire time.
Then I arrived in Haiti.
I hit the ground running, literally. I arrived with a team. Learned the ropes quickly. Developed relationships, lead teams, served teams, served Haitians, saw poverty, saw death, experienced poverty, experienced broken relationships, friends left, teams left....
Let's just say, it hasn't been cloud 9. A lot of times, it feels like cloud 2.
Moving has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.
Somedays I feel very isolated, like I don't fit in, like I've done nothing, reached no one...
In my heart I know these words aren't true. I know they are from the devil and I need to fight them. I need to claim the God's truth...
I recently started the study "Duty or Delight" by Tammie Head...
"One thing is certain. You're going to learn how to put your foot down and stop putting up with what you've been putting up with. It's time for the condemnation to stop. It's time for the guilt to stop. It's time for the prayerlessness to stop. It's time for fear to stop. It's time for all of these false expectations to stop. It's time you enjoyed your God."
I needed to hear these words. I need some reassembling.
I need some refreshing...
Lord Reassemble Me.
Lord Refresh Me.
Bring life to these Dry Bones (Ezekiel 37:1-14)
** There have been many good things in Haiti. I have learned more than any other time of my life and learned how to trust God and lean on him....but I'm tired and weary **
