Do you ever have one of those moments where your sitting in the car alone (if your a mom this is probably rare) have no idea of your surroundings, you are just worshiping (as I type this, I'm thinking this is a little scary, but God was protecting me)! It happened to me on Sunday. I had just gotten done listening to a sermon podcast, so I turned on some music and I was in total worship. Ironically, "Cornersone" was playing and God spoke to me.
God has used this song to speak to us during some major trials in the last 3 years and it's also Lia's favorite song. I know that is crazy to say, but it was the only way I could get her to sleep for a period of time and the minute I would play it she would calm down and sleep, and now she starts singing and lifts her hands (she worships).
Anyways, this isn't profound, but, I needed to hear it. He said, "Ashlee, right now things are going good and you are seeing my blessings, guess what, I'm still your Anchor, I'm still the one holding you together."
He isn't just my anchor when things are rough or difficult, but he is our anchor when things are good to. It's easy for me to say and plead for Him when things are difficult, but I needed that reminder to plead for Him when things are good.
I recently purchased the devotional "Jesus, I Need You" by Zondervan
They are quick 2-3 minute devotionals. Today's topic was "Giving It All Away".
They write: "Jesus, I have a confession to make. I feel afraid to entrust everything to You. I know that You love me and want only the best for me. Still, it's so hard to give up total control of every aspect of my life....Help me give You my everything."
The truth....
I've learned this lesson over and over again....
I'm a control freak...
In my heart and mind, I know I don't control everything, but in my heart, I want to.
The truth is...my desire to control really comes out of a spirit of unhealthy fear. Fear that life isn't going to go as planned, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.
I need to work on giving up control in my marriage, parenting, my future, my walk with God, my work, and my relationships.
The truth is...control sucks the life out of me. It takes up so much energy, trying to be perfect and trying to hold on to everything.
The truth is...I'm really saying and portraying that I don't trust God, I don't trust my husband, I don't trust my friends and family...
The truth is...I've sinned against all of these people. This is not my desire....
The truth is...I do trust God I do trust my husband
May was one of those long, but short months...Like I can't believe that it is already June, but May seemed like it lasted forever!
I love summertime, so I welcome June with open arms!
Here's a recap of my May Goals.
1. Read 1 fiction/1 non -fiction book:I did it :)
2. Two play dates this month. - We only got in one last month
3. Go on a family trip!! - We went to Haiti! Such a great trip
4. Girls Night - This didn't happen
5. Write 1 hand written note each week. - Neither did this one
6. 100 of 1000 gifts. I love this habit!
Now for this month.
June Goals
1. Read 1 fiction/1 non fiction book - This is my yearly goal. Also, I've felt convicted lately about how I spend my time in the evenings. So, I've been turning off the tv and internet and just reading :)
2. 100 of 1000 gifts - Again this is a yearly goal
3. Help 5 new people reach their fitness goals
4. Run a half marathon
5. Date Weekend (It's are anniversary this month).
6. Use Wife after God book as a devotional this month.
7. Spend a couple nights at the cabin as a family.
April was one of those month, that has me going, "it's over?" Yet, at the same time, it felt really long. Do you ever have those months? There is a lot I am looking forward to in May, but we have to take it week by week, because....those SENIORS!!! Any teachers out there feel my pain! I just need to keep remembering that I really do love them and in 4 weeks, they too will be different!
Here is a review of my April Goals.
1. A date night with my hubby. - This didn't happen. I would like to put it on my May list, but that is looking unlikely!
2. Read 1 fiction/1 non-fiction book. - I finished "Miracle on Voodoo Mountain" this was written by my friend Megan! I love her heart and her story of obedience is extraordinary. I finished half a fiction book :)
3. Take 1 picture everyday on my good camera (not my iphone). Ok, I didn't take one everyday, but it was close, so I'm crossing it off!!
4. Record 100 of my 1000 gifts. - I love this habit. It makes me focus on the little things to be thankful for and allows me to see what God is doing everyday, even in the small things.
5. Go to the park at least once a week. Lia loves the slide and the swings! So fun to get out!
6. Help 5 more people reach their health and fitness goals. I love this...I've seen some gals those 15 + lbs this month! Some fitting in clothes they haven't in years! So incredible.
7. Blog at least once a week. - I only got in 3 :(
8. Send 1 hand written note a week. - I loved writing to my friends!! So fun!
9. Listen to 1 sermon podcast a week. - I only managed to do this twice!!
Now on to May!!
May Goals
1. Read 1 fiction/1 non -fiction book: It's so nice to sit back and read!
2. Two play dates this month. We need to get out more and have friends here more.
3. Go on a family trip!!
4. Girls Night - As much as I want a date night! I would love a girls night too!
5. Write 1 hand written note each week.
6. 100 of 1000 gifts.
About 10 years ago, I remember sitting in a living room, with a small group of young adult leaders. We were asked about what we thought or hoped our futures would be like. I remember responding, "I do not know what it looks like, I just have a feeling it is going to be bigger and more than I could ever even imagine for myself."
Last week, I was talking with a college friend and she asked me if I ever imagined that this would be my life. It was an AHA moment for me. I was reminded of the event 10 years earlier and how those words really were true.
God has done more than I could ever imagine.
I'm so thankful that my parents taught me to be a dream. I'm thankful that they modeled obedience to God, that they taught me what it meant to be obedient to God, and that they gave their blessing for me me to follow God, no matter where it would take me.
Never in my wildest dream would I have thought I would move on my own to
a new state, where I knew no one. I never thought I would then find a
job that allowed me to travel back and forth to Haiti. I never would
have thought that I would quit my job, raise support, and then live in
Haiti. It all has been IMMEASURABLY MORE than I could ever have imagined.
Since moving back from Haiti, we have frequently been asked the question, "What's Next?" or "What is your plan?" I usually reply with an answer about how I am teaching, Claudy is in school and someday we hope to live in Haiti again...
...but the real answer
...I don't know, I just know, that if we allow God to move and if we are obedient, it's going to be IMMEASURABLE MORE than we can imagine.
It's crazy to think we have been back living in the States for over a year and half now. So much in our lives has changed during that time. In many ways we have grown, but I still feel a struggle.
Some of my struggle has to do with being a new mom and all of a sudden not having time to be in the word, like my heart craves. I read a great blog about quiet times last week and it spoke to my soul. I suggest any new moms or moms of little ones reads it. I'm working on what it means to have time with the Lord, even when I don't have the time I desire.
One of my greatest struggles, is service. My heart is to serve others. So ofter in the word, we read about servanthood and doing for others. Our families desire is to be in Haiti. But the timing is not now. I know that, but it doesn't help my soul. I've struggled with connecting here in the US. Busyness has gotten control of me and to be honest, I've struggled figuring where I fit in. It's hard to turn off part of your heart. I know I need to live fully in this moment, where we are now and not wish it away. When we do finally move to Haiti, I'll be wishing I had moments back in the the states. I've struggled that I'm not serving.
I was reading the Lent Devotional on She Reads Truth this morning. The scripture that was used was from Psalm 51. Verse 17 spoke to me.
What he spoke to me, in this moment...I want you. I want your broken and contrite heart. That is the sacrifice (Ignore my spelling error above) I want. Today, my sacrifice isn't living in a different country, it's surrendering my broken heart to Him. Sometimes I focus too much on the service not the the person I am serving.
Today, I'm surrendering. Surrendering my heart, surrendering my desires. I'm living fully here, in my brokenness.
I've been slacking....it's true. Especially on this whole blogging thing. I've been so tired in the evenings, and just haven't had the energy to muster up a blog post. I've been trying to be present in the evenings, not wanting our time as a family just to pass me by, but to enjoy it.
1//Last weekend we went to watch my niece Dani play basketball. I love Dani and I love basketball....Clearly Abby and Troy, were not as easily entertained...they turned to making faces at each other.
2//I've been trying to keep my camera near me...She gives the best smiles...her whole face lights up. I love this girl to pieces.
3//We worked upstairs a couple of days this week and the cat came to visit us. It was her first time seeing the cat, I wish the picture had sound...she was squealing for like 5 minutes.
4//Passport pictures....do you know how hard it is to get a good passport picture for a moving baby. After about 40 pictures, this is the final take. Luckily I can crop it. She is actually standing up, it was the only way to make her not move :)
5//I registered for 2 half-marathons this summer. It's been a long time since I've done any longer races and I'm so excited :)
I get asked often what I miss most about Haiti. The number one answer, is the people, our friends. Part of what makes that question so easy to answer and why the people, is the way of living in Haiti. Even though we were busy and there was always a lot to do, it felt that often time stood still...Our evenings weren't spent running from one activity to the next, but they were spent in the community playing soccer, walking, or hanging out on the porch with our friends. Haiti is very community based and you are always free to visit a neighbor, stop by, sit on their porch, talk, and visit. I miss people stopping by our house, I miss the neighborhood boys that would come and play, I miss all of those things. I miss time....
It's no question, getting time in the word was more difficult when we moved home from Haiti, but it has been extremely more difficult since having Lia. I've been told that I'm being to hard on myself. While that may be true, my soul craves that time that I've lost. My soul misses the oneness with my Savior. I know that at this point in time, I'm probably not going to be able to get in hour in during the mornings (until Lia starts sleeping through the night), but I know that some changes can be made.
* Take the first 15-20 min of morning nap time (I very rarely have appointments scheduled at this time)
* Listen to Christian music while working, instead of having the TV on.
* In the evenings about 30 min before we go to bed, I love to lay in bed and watch Netflix, I've been feeling a very strong conviction that this time could be better used, so I'm now watching a sermon, or a part of a sermon each night before bed.
Yes, time is hard to come by, by my priorities needed adjusted!
I'd love to hear what you other moms with littles do to get time in the word in....
It was January 12th, and I was packing to get on a plane the next morning to travel to a country I loved, Haiti. Then it came up on my news feed..."earthquake in Haiti"
It was hard to believe at first. I turned on CNN and I was glued to the TV.
My heart sank, wondering if my friends were alive. Wondering if the people I loved would ever recover.
It was day that changed my life.
For a week, I did everything I could to help people get there, to help get supplies there, and to get there myself.
My heart still hurts for Haiti. My heart hurts for those that lost.
Lost love ones, lost their homes, lost jobs, lost hope.
While the earthquake was devastating (I will not take that lightly), God used it to bring himself glory. He used it to bring people to him. To save lost souls. To change hearts. To share the hope of a nation with other nations.
Before, January 12, 2010 I felt called to move to Haiti. I told God, no.
I justified to myself, that traveling back and forth was close enough.
Through events of the earthquake and the trip a week after, I knew that I needed to be obedient.
When I think about all that has changed in my life since that day, I'm amazed.
Amazed that God used me, chose me, that he allowed me to see Him and to know Him in a way I could never have imagined.
Though the mountains be shakeand the hills be removed,yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken- nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
